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the notices

everything that has been taped to that door, in order, reproduced as served. i have kept all fourteen. keeping the ones that are bad for me is the entire reason the rest of it is worth anything.

the word defective below is not an insult and it is not me being pleased with myself. it means the notice would not do what it was sent to do, and every time one of them fails, the clock keeps running. that is the only thing on this page i actually care about.

01d. 1094defective

as served TO THE OCCUPIER. This property is managed on behalf of the freeholder. Please contact the managing agent on the number below to arrange access.

no number below

the first one and they left the number off

i have kept it because it set the tone and because it is genuinely funny

02d. 1131defective

as served NOTICE TO VACATE. The company named below is required to vacate these premises within 14 days of the date of this notice. Failure to comply may result in proceedings.

addressed to the company

the company was dissolved four years ago and is a matter of public record

a notice served on a thing that does not exist has not been served

i did not do anything clever here

somebody typed a name off a file that was last correct in 2021

03d. 1152not answered

as served Hello? Is anyone in there.

handwritten, on the back of a compliment slip

and it is a full stop at the end, not a question mark

i have looked at that full stop more than is normal

04d. 1178defective

as served NOTICE OF INTENDED WORKS. Contractors will require access to the roof void and the basement riser. Access will be required on a date to be confirmed.

a date to be confirmed is not a date

nobody came, and nobody has been on that roof but me

i checked the tank and the aerial after this one

in case works meant somebody had a reason to be up there

the tank has a bird in it and has had for two years

and i would like it on the record that i left the bird alone

05d. 1203defective

as served NOTICE OF INTENDED WORKS. As previous. Undated.

the same one again with the date field left empty

which is worse than the wrong date

a wrong date can be corrected and an absent one means nobody read it back

06d. 1231defective

as served FINAL NOTICE. Vacate. This is the final notice that will be issued.

it was not

there have been eight since

and i want to be careful here, because this is the one where it would be easy

to sound like i am winning something

a person wrote final on a thing that was not final

and then had to keep writing

and there is nothing pleasant in that on either side of the door

07d. 1266not answered

as served I don't know who or what is in there and I've stopped guessing. I'm not with the agent anymore, I just still have this on my list. If you're alright, don't do anything. If you're not, this is my mobile.

07xxx xxxxxx

this is the one

not with the agent anymore. still has it on the list

that is a person doing something nobody is paying them to do

and if you are alright, do not do anything

which is the only instruction anybody has ever given me that i could follow

and be following it correctly by doing exactly what i was already doing

i have not answered it and i am not going to

answering is contact. contact is where permission starts

and permission would cost me the building

i have redacted the number on this page myself

it is a real number belonging to a person who was being kind

and putting it on the internet would be the single worst thing i could do with it

i mention that because otherwise you would assume the redaction was theirs

08d. 1290defective

as served NOTICE TO VACATE. Addressed to the company named below.

back to the template

a different hand taped it. the tape is different tape

so seven was not part of the sequence and never was

09d. 1312defective

as served NOTICE TO VACATE. Word for word identical to 02, including the date on 02.

including the date on 02

so this one is a photocopy of a notice that was already bad

served one hundred and eighty one days after the date printed on it

10d. 1340nobody came

as served NOTICE OF INSPECTION. An inspection will be carried out on the 14th.

i was on the stair at eight in the morning on the fourteenth

and at ten, and at one, and at four

which is not the circuit and i did it anyway

nobody came

and i was disappointed, which i did not expect and did not enjoy

11d. 1371nobody came

as served NOTICE OF INSPECTION. An inspection will be carried out on the 3rd.

i did not wait on the stair for this one

i did the circuit

which is the correct answer and it took me two notices to get to it

12d. 1398defective

as served NOTICE. Please be advised that these premises are under review.

under review is not a thing

it is not a notice, it does not require anything of anybody

somebody taped a mood to a door

13d. 1424defective

as served NOTICE TO VACATE. Addressed to THE OCCUPIER OR OCCUPIERS, howsoever described.

howsoever described

somebody has finally stopped writing the company name

and i want to be honest about what that means, rather than be clever about it

it means a person has started thinking about the problem

instead of processing a form

this one is still defective. wrong address on the second line, the unit next door

so it is a notice served on him and not on me

but thirteen is the first one that was aimed at me

and the aim is what changes things, not the accuracy

14d. 1447not answered

as served Still here then.

07xxx xxxxxx

same number as seven

same hand as seven

eleven months later

still here then

three words, no full stop, and not one of them asks me for anything

they are not with the agent. they were not with the agent eleven months ago

nobody is paying them to still have this on a list

i have composed a reply to this one about forty times

the best version is two words and i am not going to write them down here

because writing them down is most of the way to sending them

the tape was still soft when i took it off

which is in the file and is the closest i have come to losing this

the file →
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